There is nothing more frustrating than trying to explain something to someone when you know they won’t fully understand what you’re trying to say. That being said, I feel like a lot of me posts will be like that. I’ll do my best to explain myself, but experiences of the heart don’t always translate well onto paper.

I just arrived back from our first out-trip. It’s only been a week since we first arrived at Kaleo and we’ve already been to Strathcona and climbed up Mt. Albert Edward. Creation is truly marvelous when humans haven’t done anything to tamper with it. God used a few days in creation this week to teach me about His glory and also a little bit about myself.

On the first day of school, Jim asked us one thing that we wanted to see happen this year. I said I wanted this year to be one where all my masks could be thrown off. I was really excited to see this happen. I’m starting to realize that this isn’t an easy or even comfortable process. I’m realizing that a lot of my masks are glued to my skin or caught in my hair and that removing them will be painful and might even make me bleed a little bit.

Let me tell you about one of my masks. It’s the “Religious guy” mask. This is the mask that makes me look like I’m experiencing God in real and intimate ways, when really, my heart feels far from him. This is the mask I wear when I make prayers with eloquent words I don’t really mean. It’s the mask I wear when I say something about God that I don’t really feel or that I haven’t experienced. It’s the mask that has “a form of godliness, but denies its power. “

I used to wear this mask comfortably. I still wear this mask. I don’t feel comfortable in it anymore. I’m trying to peel away at the corners and feel my face move under the plaster. There’s something about seeing authenticity that makes me hate pretending. To see real love in the people God has put around me makes me hunger for that same experience.

A few days hiking up a mountain taught me that I serve a God who’s too big to play pretend with. He created! He made mountains and rivers and valleys. He made me to Worship Him!

To worship Him in Spirit and in Truth is hard. Both the Spirit part, and the Truth part give me headaches.

It’s hard to come to Jesus as a child. To tell him what I feel, when I doubt, when I don’t understand, or when I can’t feel him.

I don’t want to force and fake my walk anymore.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord