And when I'm home I think I'll go eat Cereal and look out the window

I'm sitting in my kitchen, listening to Kirstyn krause playing on my computer and talking to my mom as she's making some amazing smelling dinner. I'm back in Schomberg.

It's weird not having all my friends with me. I wake up and expect Nick to be telling me that chapel is in five minutes and I'd better get out of bed. I walk into the kitchen and expect to find hungry students grabbing a late night snack and having theological discussions. I go to the bathroom and expect to find a mess, and I don't so that's good.

As different as it is at home I really love it. Home is a very safe place for me. Sometimes it almost feels a bit too safe. I've already found it hard at times to show the change that's been happening in me when it feels more natural to just fall back into the way things were before I left for Kaleo in September. I still find it difficult sometimes to fully express how God's been working in my life and changing me. I'm really craving some family prayer times and am looking for the courage to initiate some of those.

Home is good and I'm hoping it will be a time of growth rather than backsliding or just stillness.

I asked kaleo to pray that i wouldn't spend too much time in front of the T.V. and when I got home I found out our satellite was broken, so that was kind of fitting, yet I must admit I was somewhat annoyed.

Pray that I would have boldness and gentleness and that I would be wise in the way I use my time.

let's go back in time...

So it's been a while since I've posted. But I thought it would be a shame to not post and miss out on memories years from now when I look back on this blog and remember what went on at that crazy place we called Kaleo. On November 26-31 a lot of the Kaleo students and leaders attended the Canadian National Youth Workers Convention. It was hard to leave some of my classmates behind.

The weekend of the conference was amazing. I had been asking God before I left to fill my heart up with things from him, as he had been emptying some other things from my life. This weekend was an answer to prayer in so many ways.

I picked up a book on the first night from the bookstore, it was called Irresistible Revolution I really enjoyed it. It talked a lot about what it means to really follow Jesus. It talked about being loving to "the least of these".

through the grace of God I learned pretty concretely what that looks like.

On Friday Jeremy, Mark, and I were walking around downtown at lunchtime and saw a man sitting on a street corner holding a sign that said, "51st Birthday today". My heart softened for this man. I felt bad for him, but would have been content to keep walking.

Thankfully Jeremy didn't have the same contentment. He stopped and wished the man happy birthday, introduced himself, and the next thing I knew I was sitting down on a corner having a conversation with a man who I found out was also my brother through Christ. I was in the same family as this man who I looked down on. This realization, I think, was huge for me.

The next day we tried to Bring Chris a birthday cake, but couldn't find him. So we decided to give it to a man who was panhandling in a wheelchair with one leg. and ironically (actually providentially) his name was Chris as well. We celebrated his "birthday" and got to here a bit of his story as he thanked us through tears.

That same night I met a man named Franky who also shared some of his testimony with me. It was cool to get to pray for him real specifically as I walked away.

The weekend didn't feel much like a youth workers convention, but I'm OK with that. I'm sort of confused as what I should do next. what the next step for me is. I think "short term missions" are really hard. to engage people and love them and then leave.

Pray that as I'm on Christmas break that God will give me some wisdom of what it looks like to live missionally.

In my brokenness complete...

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you.” (John 16:23).

I remember reading former Kaleo student’s blogs in the summer and I noticed a trend. Student would ask God to be broken; God would ‘break’ the student, student would come out of the experience having grown and deepened in their faith.

That being said, at the beginning of the year I asked God to break me. I don’t think I fully knew what I meant by that at the time. I knew it had to do with something difficult happening causing to throw myself at the feet of Jesus. I just didn’t know what it would look like or what it should look like.

As the year progressed I was starting to think that there wasn’t going to be a breaking point for me. I was starting to think that God didn’t have any hard things for me this year. I remember praying for tears to cry for the pain of others. The tears didn’t come.

This week things changed. I’m not going to go into any details, but just know that God broke me. I’ve never had such a bittersweet feeling about an answered prayer.

Being broken by God meant letting go of something I really didn’t want to let go of. Being broken by God meant having Him demand surrender in an area I didn’t want to let go of. Being broken by God also meant that God could now raise me up and form me closer to his image.

About those tears I was praying for, they came. I wrote in the prayer room, “Through these tears I will surrender and know that God is enough.”

I remember the words of the writer of Hebrews

“My son, do not lightly regard the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives” (Hebrews 12:5b-6)

Pray for strength for me, and continued surrender of all areas of my life to our Father.

“The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Of movies and mornings

This week is one that I will not soon forget. I won’t soon forget it because a lot of it is on DVD for me to watch long after I leave Kaleo. We were in our Old Testament Literature class this week taught by Don Taylor.

The week was busy to say the least. Not only did we have to learn the entire theological history of the Old Testament, we also had to wake a movie portraying the main turning points. The movie took up virtually all my time after class.

Last week I wrote about slowing down and taking time to just “be” with God. It was frustrating to still be so busy throughout the whole week.

On Saturday though things felt better. All my work was done for the week. At 7:00am on Saturday morning Jeremy and me went down to the dock to read/ pray. It was such a good time for me. I haven’t been seeing too many sunrises since I’ve been here; I’ve been seeing a lot of the night, but missing the mornings.

There’s something about mornings that I love. Something about breathing in the crisp cold air as I look out across the water, all the while reading the words of the God who made it all.

Pray with us this week as we are doing a 24/7 week of prayer. Can’t wait to see what God has in store. I just hope that our small imaginations don’t limit what he does.

Hello those who are still reading this blog. This week was packed full of so much it’s hard to know where to start. We were on reading break this week. That meant a lot of things for a lot of people, but for Matthew and me it meant a trip to the mainland. I thought the weekend would be relaxing and I would get a lot homework done.

I got a lot of homework done, but the week was far from relaxing. I think my average bedtime was somewhere around 3am. I did quite a bit of stuff… Ethos (youth church), Boston Pizza, Red Robbins, SFU roof climbing, Downtown Vancouver, saw Lucas Grabeel (High school Musical), set of the movie santa paws, waterfront, youthgroup – ask anything night, boston pizza, walmart, mcdonalds, red robbings, ferry, and finally home.

Once I got home I stayed up til 6:00am writing a hermeneutics paper. It was tiring but I like the idea of being up all night working on a paper. On the weekend I counseled a group of junior high boys, Josh, Tyson, Jake, Liam, and Russell. It was a really busy weekend.

It’s been hard being so busy. I’m getting an urge to slow down right now and just spend some alone time somewhere. It’s hard to make the time to do it. This week is going to be pretty full. I feel like I need to go on a walk with God this week. There have been too many distractions; I don’t like it. I want to know him deeper

Salts crew

View from up top

Tofino

Briercrest Boys

Points were turned... praise God.

This week was unreal, specifically the first half. Kaleo went surfing in Tofino. I shared in my last post that it was time for a turning point. This week was just that. Last week I wrote…

I really hope that Justin’s openness is contagious to the group this week. We need it desperately.

God answered my prayers in ways I never even imagined. The chapel the first night was unreal. Josh shared his story shared with honesty and openness that brought the room to tears. We prayed, we encouraged, and we sang songs of praise.

I also wrote last week…

Pray for me that I will be open to the Spirit’s prompting this week. I feel like I’ve been holding back parts of myself from the group or holding back things I have to offer. Pray that I’ll be able to really give myself to this group of people.

I didn’t think I would share my testimony this week. Or any time this semester for that matter. I never really thought I had much of a story. I’ve had a life free from many of the hardships others deal with regularly. I didn’t think my story was yet appropriate in the context I was in.

Then, on the second night Jim asked for a story of someone who had just been lavished with God’s love for his or her whole life. My heart started racing, it was time for me to tell my story. So I told it.

It was so amazing to speak out my story to remember and think about how God has so blessed me. It was so encouraging to remember the deeds of the Lord in my life and to be surrounded by a group of people wanting to celebrate with me.

Getting home from surfing the chapels and time of sharing have been just as powerful. God’s truth and grace are celebrated and walls are being torn down.

Kaleo is forming together, and Christ is being formed in us as we draw near to worship Him.

feels like it's time for a turning point

Many people would think that surfing at the end of October is crazy. They would probably be right.

I guess that makes us crazy for heading out to Tofino next week to surf.

Our plans to go two weeks ago were dashed upon the rocks due to weather (nice pun)

So we’re gonna give it another shot.

It’ll be nice to get out of the classroom. It was an interesting week. I won’t get into any detail but emotions were running high so it’ll be nice to get away into the open spaces.

On Thursday Justin shared his testimony with the group. It was really encouraging. I’ve met few people who come across with such honesty and transparency as he does when he speaks. I really hope that his openness is contagious to the group this week. We need it desperately. Pray for me that I will be open to the Spirit’s prompting this week. I feel like I’ve been holding back parts of myself from the group or holding back things I have to offer. Pray that I’ll be able to really give myself to this group of people.

Pray also for good weather, and that we would be good ambassadors for Christ in ALL we do.

a Tale of Two Tales

I want to explore a concept in this blog post. To do this I am going to tell you two short stories (they aren’t good stories so don’t get your hopes up) and then try to connect them and bring everything together at the end.

James stepped out of the backseat of the car. He was at a farmers market in downtown Duncan. It was Sunday. He had never been to this place before but he felt safe as he walked through the aisles. The market sold health food. It was a place for people who cared about their bodies. James walked around the store with his friend. They talked, they laughed, and then they left.

James stepped out of the backseat of the van. He was at an old train station. It was still Sunday but it was now dark outside. He felt a little on edge. The park was full of people who were different from him. It had been a while since he had heard some of the words that were coming out of their mouths. The words showed brokenness, brokenness far beyond anything James had experienced or liked to imagine. The only store that was open was the liquor store. It was a place for people who didn’t care much about their bodies. James walked around with friends and strangers, he saw pain and brokenness, but he also saw prayer and hope. James left, but the way he saw the world changed a little as he went.

The concept I want to talk about is seeing the world as God see’s it.

Both of these stories happened at the same location. The market and the liquor store were beside each other.

I found it crazy how two completely different worlds could exist at the same place. And was ashamed that I had ignored one for so long.

I’m starting to feel that how I see people is defined by the place culture has assigned me rather than by what God has called me to.

The world says, stay inside, lock the doors, safe your life

God says, go out, feed the poor, lose you life.

The world says I have a higher place

Jesus calls me to take the lowest one

I’m starting to feel a little bit of what that looks like and it scares me but it also stirs love in my heart. Pray that God will give me his eyes to see the world this week.

A Thanksgiving Post

Father, Every good and perfect gift comes from you.

I thank you that …

I have a loving family

I’ve done the S.A.L.T program at widjiitiwin

I have deep friendships

I’ve jumped out of an airplane

I’ve gone bungy jumping

I’ve been to Middle earth

I’ve worked at Camp

I’ve never been in need

I’ve been to Holland

I’m at Kaleo

I’ve swam with dolphins and sharks

I’ve been surfing

I’ve laughed till I cried

I’ve had coffee with wise men

I was a member of a summer bible study

I’ve learned to read music

I’ve talked with John Piper

I’ve played hockey

I’ve been to Dominican

I graduated high school

I’ve climbed Mt. Albert Edward

I’ve sailed on the Pacific Grace

You haven’t given up on me

You know me by name

You hear me when I speak to you

You can use me in spite of my weaknesses

You are Father, Shepherd, and King

You walk with me daily because of what Jesus did for me on the cross.

… Father, I pray for a continual attitude of thanksgiving.

SET SAIL

So I’m back, but not for long. Tomorrow Kaleo’s going sailing. We’re heading down to Victoria to board the Pacific Grace.

I am really looking forward to this trip. God has been teaching me a lot this year. He’s been bringing me back to the basics of a Christianity I thought I was mastering. My whole life I’ve always thought I’ve had the answers. And in a sense, I did, on a very shallow level.

I feel like I’ve had it wrong my whole life.

So far this year has been a lot of God shaking up the way I approach life with him. He’s been inviting me to come play the game after so many years of sitting on the sidelines. It’s been scary, but after being a spectator for so long I’m falling in love with playing the game.

God walks with me everyday. God’s been showing me what that means this year. He’s been showing me what that feels like, and I’m learning how sweet it is. I talk to Him. It’s such a basic part of Christianity and yet I think I’m just starting to appreciate it.

I can’t wait for a week of sailing with my Father.

Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Isaiah 55:6

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InD1fnBWliM

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to explain something to someone when you know they won’t fully understand what you’re trying to say. That being said, I feel like a lot of me posts will be like that. I’ll do my best to explain myself, but experiences of the heart don’t always translate well onto paper.

I just arrived back from our first out-trip. It’s only been a week since we first arrived at Kaleo and we’ve already been to Strathcona and climbed up Mt. Albert Edward. Creation is truly marvelous when humans haven’t done anything to tamper with it. God used a few days in creation this week to teach me about His glory and also a little bit about myself.

On the first day of school, Jim asked us one thing that we wanted to see happen this year. I said I wanted this year to be one where all my masks could be thrown off. I was really excited to see this happen. I’m starting to realize that this isn’t an easy or even comfortable process. I’m realizing that a lot of my masks are glued to my skin or caught in my hair and that removing them will be painful and might even make me bleed a little bit.

Let me tell you about one of my masks. It’s the “Religious guy” mask. This is the mask that makes me look like I’m experiencing God in real and intimate ways, when really, my heart feels far from him. This is the mask I wear when I make prayers with eloquent words I don’t really mean. It’s the mask I wear when I say something about God that I don’t really feel or that I haven’t experienced. It’s the mask that has “a form of godliness, but denies its power. “

I used to wear this mask comfortably. I still wear this mask. I don’t feel comfortable in it anymore. I’m trying to peel away at the corners and feel my face move under the plaster. There’s something about seeing authenticity that makes me hate pretending. To see real love in the people God has put around me makes me hunger for that same experience.

A few days hiking up a mountain taught me that I serve a God who’s too big to play pretend with. He created! He made mountains and rivers and valleys. He made me to Worship Him!

To worship Him in Spirit and in Truth is hard. Both the Spirit part, and the Truth part give me headaches.

It’s hard to come to Jesus as a child. To tell him what I feel, when I doubt, when I don’t understand, or when I can’t feel him.

I don’t want to force and fake my walk anymore.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord